This dark and grimy cantina is getting into the festive spirit. There’s a (mostly dead) pine tree in the corner with some decorations hanging on it (though I daren’t look too closely at what those “decorations” are), there’s some tinsel above the bar, and some ambitious soul has even hung up some mistletoe. So, in the spirit of the season, I thought I do something a little festive (actually possibly several things, but this is the first). I started thinking about jolly ol’ St. Nick, and all his Christmas shenanigans. Then I started thinking about other characters who’d do a better – or funnier, or more lethal – job of bringing presents and cheer to the worlds children.
So here we go, the Cantina Crowd’s Alternative Santa’s!
Who: The Doctor (Dr Who)
Mode of transport: How do you deliver a present to every child on Earth (who celebrates Christmas)? With a TARDIS of course!
The chimney problem: Solved with his trusty Sonic Screwdriver.
Pro’s: He’s a time traveller, so he’d never be late. He’s also kind of immortal.
Cons: There’d probably be some kind of alien invasion or threat to Earth/the universe/time itself, which would detract from the presents and such. And he can be kind of a douche.
Who: Ezio Auditore (Assassin’s Creed games)
Mode of transport: Horse/on foot/zipline
The chimney problem: He spends most of his life running across rooftops and getting into places he shouldn’t be. Chimneys and locked homes will be no problem.
Pro’s: He’s a Master Assassin, has a cool accent, and makes quarter-capes look cool.
Cons: He’d struggle to deliver presents to all of Firenze in one night, let alone the whole world. Plus he’d probably go off chasing women/Templars and forget all about the little girls and boys.
Who: Shiina (Angel Beats!)
Mode of transport: She’s quick and describes herself as having the strength of 100 men so she’d be able to leap and jump around while easily carrying all of the presents.
The chimney problem: She’s a ninja assassin so she would be able to get in and out of houses easily, silently and quickly.
Pro’s: She is very strong and very quick. She also loves anything cute so she’d be determined to get all of the presents to the children!
Cons: It’s only a slight problem… that she’s dead and in a kind of purgatory world…
Who: Dr. Gaius Baltar (Battlestar Galactica reboot)
Mode of transport: A colonial Raptor (providing he could find a willing pilot of course)
The chimney problem: He’s a genius. I’m sure he’d work something out. Or lie about doing so.
Pro’s: Did we mention he’s a genius? And he see’s visions of a hot Cylon infiltrator in his head
Cons: He’d spend so long talking to said Cylon infiltrator in his head that the presents would never get delivered. Also he may end up being responsible for the destruction of Earth.
Who: Dalek Caan AKA The Abomination, 2nd in Command to the Cult of Skaro (Dr Who)
Mode of Transport: The Emergency temporal shift (A crude form of Time Travel) or by hijacking a Dalek Mother Ship… I will add that every child will receive a present…. They will obey!!!
The Chimney Problem: I am a Dalek, one of the most superior beings in the Universe…. Chimneys do not pose problems to superior beings…. They will be EXTERMINATED!!!!! EXTERMINATE… EXTERMINATE!!!!!!
Pros: They never tire, they never sleep, and they are efficient and dedicated to the mission.
Cons: The Daleks are a powerful race Hell bent on universal conquest and domination, utterly without pity, compassion or remorse, having had every emotion removed except hate, leaving them with a desire to purge the universe of all non-Dalek life…. That could be an issue!
Who: Darth Vader (Star Wars)
Mode of transport: Super Star Destroyer, Executor, or the Death Star
The chimney problem: He’s a Sith Lord, with a lightsaber and the power to level cities and destroy worlds. That chimney will rue the day it was built!
Pro’s: Single-minded, powerful, and a master of the Dark Side of the Force, he’d have no problem. Plus, if he did, he could use the mind trick to convince everyone he had no problem.
Cons: Force-choked kiddies are not a festive favourite, and how would he eat mince pies through that helmet?
Who: Tyrion Lannister (Game of Thrones)Mode of transport: Probably a horse. Although he could probably buy a reindeer. Getting it to fly may be a bit beyond him though.
The Chimney Problem: He’s a midget, so he could shimmy down most chimneys. And those he couldn’t, he could probably worm his way in through bribery and sneakiness.
Pro’s: He’s child-height, so he’ll look adorable in an Elf costume.He’s also one of the nicest characters in the series. In his own way.
Con’s: He’s devious, loves whores, disfigured, selfish, bitter, and can’t move much faster than a hobble.
So there you have it, the list that (most) of the cantina’s denizens came up with between incomprehensible noises and the imbibing of questionable substances. If you can think of any others, be sure and let us know. After all, ol’ St. Nick’s getting on a bit, and he could probably do with a break…