It’s taken a while, but at last we have the counterpoint to our earlier post of the Top Ten guns! Here’s the list, made up of suggestions from our Facebook page, other social media (such as our Twitter), yelled at me in the street, and my own personal selections. So without further ado, here’s a list of the greatest things to hurt people with in video games!
10) Crowbar (Half Life) – When your research facility’s tinkering with the laws of science causes a resonance cascade and unleashes alien horrors from another dimension into your lab there’s one weapon in your arsenal that you can rely on to drive the alien invaders back through the inter-dimensional portal in spite of its modest appearance – your trusty crowbar (something all theoretical physicists should carry around with them, just in case). It never runs out of ammo, (seemingly) doesn’t drain your stamina, and if you have the patience, it can reduce any alien horror you a mushy pile of purple goo. The primary melee weapon in Half Life, and the only melee weapon in Half Life 2, the crowbar is also useful for solving various puzzles and (*gasp*) prising open supply crates so you can access their useful goodies. In fact, everyone should carry one of these around with them! Hmm, ok, maybe not…
9) The Penetrator (Saints Row 3) – I think the in-game description says it best “The absurdity of a sex toy with the lethality of a baseball bat.” Although I’ve never experienced it, I can imagine that being beaten to death if pretty unpleasant. Now imagine to ignominy of being beaten to death by a massive purple dildo complete with rubber veins and balls (unless you’re in Japan where they had to remove the balls and veins). Yeah, that’s worse. In fact, the Penetrator is the weapon on this list that I would least like to be killed by.
8) Grenade Tag (Gears of War 2/3) – This one may be slightly contentious, but I think its creativity and general cool factor outweighs any arguments against it. Most grenades in the Gears universe (with the exception of smoke grenades) are spiked, and as such can be “tagged” onto solid surfaces such as the floor, walls, burnt-out cars, and enemies. There’s something incredibly satisfying about charging through a hail of fire, switching to your grenades as you close to melee range, and slapping one of these bad boys right between your enemies shoulder blades. If you do it to and AI enemy the panicked animation as they futilely try and remove the grenade is brilliant, and almost as much fun as the way they are reduced to red mush moments later.
7) Master Sword (Legend of Zelda series) – Has any other sword gone through so many iterations? In almost every Zelda game there is a Master Sword, even if it goes by a different name (such as the Sword of Evils Bane), and every time it looks different to the time before. Even so, it is one of the threads that binds the somewhat confused Zelda universe together. It’s also (usually) the only sword that can defeat Ganon the big bad guy in most of the games. Let’s look at just some of its attributes throughout the series;
- Shoots magical swords at enemies when Link is at full health
- The only way to access the Temple of Light
- Breaks dark magical curses and spells
- Cuts through magical fogs
- Has its own spirit, Fi, who resides in the blade, seemingly guiding it to only the Hero of Time’s hand (that’s Link, btw)
So a pretty epic blade. Of course, as stated, it can only be used by a true hero, and that hero is usually Link, so we’re out of luck!
6) Paddlesaw (Dead Rising 2) – Everybody knows how cool chainsaws are, right? Stick one on a gun and you’ve got the winner of our Top Ten Video Game Guns, the Lancer. Stick one on the stump of your wrist, and you can defeat demons, zombies, and all manner of ghastly foes. So how about getting to chainsaws, and attaching them to either end of a kayaking paddle? Double the chainsaws, double the awesome! That’s exactly what you can do in Dead Rising 2 – and with devastating effects. Paddle your way through rivers of the undead, dismembering foes in fountains of blood and gore! Y’know, this is one of the things I’m most looking forward to in the coming Zombie Apocalypse; taking mundane everyday items, and turning them into awesome tools of zombie death.
5) Omni-blade (Mass Effect 3) – The Omni-tool is the ubiquitous do-everything tool in the Mass Effect universe. It’s like a Smart phone that also hacks computers, repairs your equipment, manufactures new parts, and controls just about anything you point it at. In Mass Effect 3 we gained access to another of its abilities; the Omni-blade. According to the in-universe fluff, the blade is formed by the Omni-tool from silicon-carbide, is almost diamond-hard, transparent, and searingly hot. This allows you to slam a burning hot holographic blade into the chest of any enemy that gets too close, and when you’re done stabbing Reapers, it just folds away and disintegrates! No cleaning, no sharpening, no rummaging around in drawers looking for it – it’s there, just waiting for your command to appear and ruin someone’s day! Also, in the multiplayer different classes have different variations, like dual blades, and flaming ones!
4) Gunblade (Final Fantasy series) – So, swords are great – you know, all the slicing, dicing and stabbing. But what if your opponent is too far away? Or up on an inaccessible ledge? Guns are good too, but what about when the fight gets up close and personal, or you run out of ammo? You could always take both, but who wants to be lugging around two weapons when you can combine them into one shiny piece of kick-arse? The Gunblade is ingenious in its simplicity – in its most basic form it’s a whacking great sword blade attached to the barrel of a revolver (let’s ignore the physical issues of sword fighting with a revolver grip), meaning that anything you can’t fill with hot lead you can simply chop into dogfood. What more do you need?
3) Gravity Hammer (Halo 3) – It was a close run thing as to whether this would make it into the list or the Plasma Sword, but in the end the Gravity Hammer just pulled it off – primarily because you don’t even have to actually hit your opponent (or his friends) with it. You just have to hit the ground near them, and BOOM! They’re sent sailing through the air, limbs flailing. Also this weapon gave rise to the amazing/insane sport of Griffball. That’s worthy of some sort of award on its own. It originally appeared in Halo 2 in the form of the Fist of Rukt, wielded by Brute Chieftan Tartarus, and was capable of one hit kills, even on Normal difficulty! For sheer stopping power and taking out multiple targets, you just can’t beat the Gravity Hammer.
2) Hidden blade (Assassin’s Creed series) – From Altair’s humble hidden blade to Ezio’s double, poisoned, and hooked variants, the hidden or wrist blade is one of the coolest weapons in video game history. It’s discreet, it’s deadly, and it seems to bypass any and all armour your opponent is wearing. In the hands of a skilled Assassin the hidden blade becomes a tool for the protection of mankind and the nemesis of Templars everywhere. Never again will evil-doers walk comfortably in crowded streets or beneath conveniently low awnings and buildings – because that hooded chap creeping up behind, or preparing to leap from the rooftop could be packing a wrist blade, and if he is, then all you have to look forward to is a brief but revealing conversation with a member of the Assassin’s Guild on what your evil plans are. I mean, were.
1) Frostmourne (Warcraft 3/World of Warcraft) – “Whomsoever takes up this blade shall wield power eternal. Just as the blade rends flesh, so must power scar the spirit.” In addition to looking really nasty, this sword, infused with part of the spirit of Ner’zhul the Lich King started noble Prince Arthas’ descent into darkness that culminated in him becoming the merging with/becoming the Lich King (in my opinion the greatest villain in all the Warcraft history). It sucks souls, wakes undead Dragons, shatters most other weapons it comes into contact with, is sharp enough to shave with, and the only weapon capable of besting it is the legendary Ashbringer. Of course, wielding it sort of means you’ll become consumed by evil and slave to the Lich Kings will, but still, it’s tempting.
So there you have it, our round up of the best video game weapons to maul your enemies with. Spotted any glaring omissions from our list? Then feel free to tell us in the comments – try to refrain from yelling it at me in the street, it’s making me nervous…